I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
