Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
two words...techno handjob
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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