I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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