So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Someone came in the potted fern
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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