The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
