"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
