Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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