Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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