I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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