Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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