Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My ATM looks so different sober.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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