love makes seman taste better
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
