I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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