she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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