it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
