Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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