I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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