Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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