I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
