WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
