'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
