if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
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I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
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He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras