apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
