He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I am naked and annoyed.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
