Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
