and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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