i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
