if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
