News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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