for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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