I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
