he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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