the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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