and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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