I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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