i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
