Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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