I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
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You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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