all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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