I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
