Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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