the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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