We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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