Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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