youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
