it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
