Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
