she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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