Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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