please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
