you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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