My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
