I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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