I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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