My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
