Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
